'The only way to
have a friend is to be one.' ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
THE GIRLS' Q&A BOOK ON FRIENDSHIP
I’m pretty sure most people value strong,
healthy relationships.
These come in many different guises, from family members, neighbours and friends, to a host of significant others, who cross our paths along the
journey of life.
However, relationships are not always
smooth sailing, and a little help from a friend may be just what’s needed to
help steer them back on course.
The focus of today's post is friendships during the 'tweeny' years, and I’m delighted to welcome a friend to
children everywhere, Annie Fox, M.Ed., as a guest on my blog!
Annie is an internationally respected
parenting expert, family coach and trusted online adviser for teens.
Her latest book, The Girls
Q&A Book on Friendship, for girls
ages 8–12, with its unique, Q&A format, is sure to be a hit, not only with ‘tweeny’ girls, themselves, but also with their parents,
teachers and carers.
Having navigated these childhood years
myself, and mediated many a student conflict, in my role as a teacher, I
was only too happy to oblige, when approached to review Annie’s latest,
wonderful offering!
MY REVIEW:
************
Annie champions the cause of young girls everywhere with
this delightfully illustrated, insightful publication!
‘The Girls’ Q & A Book on Friendship’ provides the
perfect, resource for opening up dialogue between teachers, parents, and the
‘tweenies’ in their care.
Annie’s genius for
getting into the minds of today’s youth, combined with her warmth, wisdom and
practical, expert advice, helps them to navigate the very difficult and often
challenging field of adolescent relationships.
Her friendly voice
validates the girls’ feelings, then provides skills and helpful suggestions for
making responsible choices for resolving the conflict situation.
She manages to do all
this, while at the same time, reinforcing the need to act with kindness,
respect, honesty, empathy, and to maintain the dignity of all concerned.
As a teacher and a
parent, I see the enormous benefits of owning such a timely publication. It is
a definitive guide for equipping girls for building strong, healthy
relationships, now and in the future.
It’s the book we’ve
all been waiting for. WELL DONE, Annie!
************
I was also given the
opportunity to pose some questions to Annie, in regard to student friendship issues encountered over the years. Here, Annie answers those questions:
Nuala: As a teacher, I see how mean and hurtful girls can be to each other
at this age. How would you go about dealing with girls who are in the same
class, can’t stand each other, and are mean to each other at every opportunity?
Annie: You haven’t said how old the girls are, but if they are at least 2nd
grade, the first step would be to have a community circle with all the girls in
the class… those who you see as “part of the problem” as well as those who are
not contributing to the nastiness. The goal of this meeting is NOT to vent
about past hurts. As facilitator, you must make sure that doesn’t happen. The
goal is to engage girls in the process of finding solutions moving forward. You
might open your meeting by saying, “I’ve been noticing certain behaviors in our
class that make me very sad. I see girls not letting other girls play or sit
with them at lunch. I see girls pushing other girls away with their words and with
certain expressions. I see girls talking in unfriendly ways about girls behind
their backs. This is a problem for everyone in the class. Because I know you
girls are very smart, I thought I’d ask for your ideas of how we can make our
classroom a friendlier place.”
Be patient. Be
calm. Exude confidence in the girls’ ability to be creative-problem solvers.
Make sure you provide every girl a chance to share ideas for making things more
peaceful. Take notes on a white board as the girls brainstorm. End the meeting
with action steps to begin the next day.
If this
doesn’t improve the situation, I’d suggest you get parents involved along with
the school counselor.
Nuala: We live in a period of high migration what advice would you give to
girls who arrive from other countries, and find themselves being excluded by
the other girls, who have been friends for years and already formed their
friendship groups?
Annie: Stories are a wonderful way to engage students in ‘big’ topics.
There are many excellent early and middle grade titles that focus on being the
“New Kid” whether from a different city, state, or country. It is also a common
theme in YA fiction (for tweens and middle schoolers). Get recommendations from
your school librarian or the children’s librarian at your public library.
After you’ve
chosen your book(s) read the book as a class. Lead book-group discussions that
explore the points of view of different characters. “How did ____ feel about
not being able to speak English?” “How did _______ feel when her teacher asked
her to be the New Girl’s ‘buddy’ for the day?” Give your students plenty of
opportunities to think, talk and write about their own experiences (past or
present) being an Insider vs. an Outsider. Be creative with a project-based
learning assignment to research other cultures that are represented in your
overall community and present that research to the class.
When we lead
students with our own inclusive attitude toward “new kids” by modeling
friendship and empathy, we help our students develop into people of good
character.
Nuala: What advice would you give to parents of girls in this age group,
so that they and their daughters are able to navigate the friendship minefield
together? (Owning a copy of your book is a given, of course!)
Annie: Thanks for the shout-out to The Girls’ Q&A Book on
Friendship. I wrote the book in a simple Q&A
format with the idea that any 8-12 year old girl could read it on her own, with
a friend, and/or with a parent. Using the book’s Q&A as a discussion
driver, girls can really learn practical strategies for calming down and
finding the courage to speak up for themselves in a friendship, (not something
that comes easily to most girls.) I’d also advise parents who have daughters
dealing with friendship drama, that Mom and Dad follow the book’s advice and
calm down too! LOL. Seriously, we don’t do our best parenting or mentoring when
we are “down in the trenches” with our upset girls! Modeling self-control is
key as we talk about friendship issues and as we listen to our daughters. After
all, managing our destructive emotions (anger, hurt, frustration, jealousy,
etc.) is imperative to effective communication, especially in the age of Social
Media where so many friendship dramas play out!
Nuala: There
is a lot of talk about bullying these days. Do you think it is more prevalent,
or are we just not as prepared to ignore it, as happened when we were at
school?
Annie: Without a doubt we live in a faster, edgier, louder and less civil
society than when we were children. Social media and the prevalence of media in
general has brought our kids face to face with lots of negative role models
when it comes to being “nice” and treating other people with respect and
compassion. As a result, kids watch what passes for entertainment and political
discourse and take away the message that “To be a grown up means to be
aggressive and disrespectful to anyone who gets in your way OR does not agree
with you.” It’s sad and sometimes scary when I see how kids are adversely
affected by our culture of cruelty. But I wouldn’t be a character educator if I
didn’t believe that parents and teachers have a lot of positive influence on
kids and teens. We have more work
to do than our parents and teachers had in the area of re-enforcing core values
in kids. We need to make it a daily priority to help kids develop into adults
of good character. My parenting book, Teaching Kids to Be Good People is a good starting place.
Nuala: There are many positive measures in place, in schools these days.
There are programs such as Peer Support, where older students lead sessions to
mentor younger students, helping them to resolve conflict and develop
resilience. What else would you like to see happening in schools?
Annie: I’d like to see more schools embrace the model of Restorative
Justice. It is an active process, involving students in acknowledging harm done
(through peer conflicts) and repairing the damage done. When done consistently
and with integrity, restorative justice can have an enormously powerful impact
on individual students, groups, and school culture.
********************************
Thanks Annie, a true friend indeed!
Keep up your wonderful work and all the
best with this and all of your
publications.
**The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship is available on Amazon
********************************
In closing, permit me to quote a verse from
one of our songs:
ALL
WEATHER FRIENDS’
‘Together, friends weather the
storms of life,
And whether clouds gather, or the
sun shines bright,
It’s great to have true friends, to
call your own.
It’s good to know, that we’re not
alone, no, we’re not alone.’
©Lyrics:
Nuala O’Hanlon, B.Ed; Cert.Teaching / Music: Kathryn Radloff, B.Arts (Hons)
Psych.
- SONG SAMPLE: (Track 2): http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/ohanlonradloff5
Here's to Friendship,
Nuala ✿⊱╮
